


The 5 stages of grief

by KiwiCutie013



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: 5 Stages of Grief, Acceptance, Anger, Angst, Bargaining, Burning, Caboose and Carolina are only metioned, Cutting, Denial, Depression, Goodbye, Happy Ending?, M/M, Self-Harm, Wash just wants to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 09:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18808690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiCutie013/pseuds/KiwiCutie013
Summary: It's been a long day without you, my friendAnd I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.We've come a long way from where we beganOh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you againWhen I see you againChurch and Carolina leave and Tucker has to deal with the pain they left in their place.





	The 5 stages of grief

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this after listening to that song so... yea, Enjoy! Don't forget to leave Kudos and a comment it keeps me inspired to continue.

_                      It's been a long day without you, my friend _

__ __ _ And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. _

__ __ _ We've come a long way from where we began _

__ __ _ Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again _

__ __ _ When I see you again _

  
  


Denial

 

There was no way in hell he was gone. It just wasn’t likely.

  
  


Where are they then? Tucker had been trying to answer that question because he couldn’t be gone. It didn’t make sense they made the trip back to that stupid fucking box canyon with them, so why weren’t they there? Church was there and then he wasn’t. Except Tucker refused to believe that he was… gone. Possibly for real this time. Tucher refused to believe that he would never see him again.

  
  


He’ll be back. He always was. That fucking cockroach always found a way back.

  
  


Washington tells Tucker he’s in denial. That he’s blocking out words and hiding from the facts. Yet Tucker wakes up every morning expecting the same thing. Church there to yell at him to wake the fuck up. Or Church there as a staticky blue holograph above his shoulder. It wasn’t like before back in Blood Gulch when Church had his body and Tucker would wake up next to him. Or Church would be grumpily sitting at the kitchen table in the mornings with his coffee mug latched in his hands. It wasn’t the same but it was good enough. He still woke up expecting these things, but they never happened.

  
  


So he waited.

  
  


He waited for the day that Church would be back because Tucker knew he would. It was just a matter of time.

  
  


He waited.

  
  


and waited.

  
  


_ Hey asshole, Whenever you're ready to get your ass back here I’m ready. Bow Chicka Bow Wow ; ) Seriously thou. Caboose misses you and is hopeful. Wash thinks we're both insane for hoping for something that will never happen. I don’t miss you so don’t get the wrong idea… I just don’t want to listen to Caboose bring you up in every conversation. Besides how can I miss you when I know you’ll be back to yell at us and be a grumpy whiny bitch. I can wait. I will wait. I have all the time in the world. _

  
  
  
  


Anger

 

Facts sink in and after a while, Tucker realizes that Church is not coming back. Reality hits him and all the pain that comes with it emerged. And boy he was not ready. He feels like giving up. He doesn’t want to feel the way he does. Hopeless unforgiving pain. So he turns his pain into anger.

  
  


He’s angry, furious.

  
  


Angry at Church for leaving without saying goodbye.

  
  


Angry at Carolina for taking Church, for dragging him along on her stupid fucking quest.

  
  


Angry at Caboose for not understanding

  
  


Angry at Wash for not giving up on him

  
  


Angry at himself for being so stupid…

  
  


He lashes out. Throws things. Storms out at the mention of Church. He slams doors and yells at Wash. He yells at Caboose. Reds too. He lashes out at anything and anyone in his way or unlucky enough to endure his wrath. He’s angry with everything and can’t seem to control his temper.

Washington can’t help.

  
  


Damn, he tries.

  
  


Most encounters with Tucker though just ends in a screaming match. Wash tries to give Tucker space or comfort. He doesn’t know what to say or do and Tucker doesn’t know what he wants to be told.

  
  


_ Hey asshole, who the hell do you think you are leaving like that? No fucking warning! Nothing. You never even said goodbye. Caboose still misses you and he leaves base often to go on walks and does god knows what, and Washington keeps trying to fucking fix everything you and Carolina broke. But whatever we don’t need your sorry ass anyway. Always bitching at us, never giving Caboose the time of day even if he is annoying as hell. I’m done waiting. I can’t believe I let you waste my time on you. _

  
  
  
  


__ Bargaining

 

And then he was lost.

  
  


Washington strayed farther away from Tucker. Caboose left base often wanting to be alone and Tucker stayed in his room trying to stay away from everything.

He wasn’t as angry anymore, he was…

  
  


Regretful maybe?

  
  


Tucker kept thinking about Blood Gulch oddly enough. He kept thinking about what could have happened if they just stayed there? If Church never died and lost his body. If Tucker could just lay next to him again. If they told Carolina no. If Carolina had just been able to let shit go. If Carolina stayed dead. Would Church still be with him?

He felt terrible for thinking like this.

  
  


It wasn’t their fault.

  
  


It wasn't fair to anyone.

  
  


But…

  
  


Church would still be alive, with him. Tucker didn’t care if Church didn’t have his body. Hell, it was something. Tucker wanted something. Something left of Church he could talk to. He tried not to seem desperate but it seemed Tucker was grasping at straws.

What if Carolina stayed dead?

  
  


What if Caboose never killed Church?

  
  


What if Tucker had told Church how he felt?

  
  


What if Church had said goodbye?

  
  


What ifs wouldn’t bring him back.

  
  


_ Hey asshole, remember all the shit we pulled back in Blood Gulch? Damn, I miss that… not you, at all, never… but I miss sitting on top of the base joking around with you and drinking. Caboose misses your bedtime stories. Remember how he would make you read to him and make me make him hot cocoa when he got scared? I remember we would spend the whole night held up in Caboose’s room quietly talking while he slept. Do you remember how Caboose and I would wake up before your lazy ass and make you breakfast? I do, and I won’t forget. _

  
  
  
  


Depression

 

Tucker was miserable. No more anger, no more what ifs, just… solemn. When it got bad he didn’t know what to do. So he tried to dull the pain. Whatever it took. He started burning himself. He would take out a lighter and watch the flame burn for a few minutes before harshly pressing the metal onto his skin until the metal was no longer hot. It made him feel better, more in control.

  
  


He hid it from Washington and Caboose.

  
  


Not that they really would notice if they ever were around.

  
  


Caboose wasn’t usually at the base and Wash usually left Tucker alone and sat on top of the base, and when Washington did insist that Caboose and Tucker come out of their safe space Tucker forced a smile and talked with Caboose. Seeing him act ok seemed to make Washington feel better so that’s what he did. When he didn’t have a lighter or lighter fluid he would take Church’s knife and carefully slit his arms with it.

  
  


It was a system that worked for him.

  
  


Until Washington saw the burns and freaked out. Tucker rolled his eyes and made excuses.

  
  


“Everything's fine”

  
  


“It was an accident”

  
  


“I won’t do it again”

  
  


Caboose caught him do it once after that and told Wash. Wash was mad and Caboose seemed scared and upset. Caboose’s fear for him and Wash’s disappointment hurt him.

  
  


Not again he promised.

  
  


He meant it this time too, he needed to be ok.

  
  


_ Hey asshole, I’m not ok and that's ok. It’s ok to not be ok, but today Caboose saw me do something I’m not proud of and so I need to be ok. For Caboose and I guess Wash too. Caboose misses you. I don’t... So don’t get any ideas. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish it was ok... I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. _

  
  
  
  


Acceptance

 

_ Hey asshole, Your gone and you're not coming back. I see that. I always knew but… I don’t know I guess I tried to ignore it. But I know you're not coming back, we were lucky to have all the extra time that we did have... This does not mean I forgive you, because I don’t I just… I won’t ignore it, deny it, or excuse what happened anymore. You left and it hurt. Fucking asshole… but I’m at a better place than before I think. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change anything… Caboose still misses you. Fuck, I miss you too. I started talking to Wash and he thinks I should say goodbye. For real. So goodbye asshole. see you in the next life… _

  
  


_ I love you. _

  
  


“End recording.”

  
  


Tucker sighed and collapsed against the bed. He lifted his head as he heard a knock on his door. Before he could respond the door opened and Washington walked in. He sat on the chair next to Tucker’s bed and smiled “Better?”

  
  


Tucker glanced over at him “Yea, I guess.”

  
  


Wash nodded “Good now get your sorry ass out here. We found colored crayons and Caboose wants to color.” Tucker smiled hoping up from his bed. Tucker led the way and Wash followed.

  
  


The room was empty.

  
  


But it would be ok.

  
  


He would be ok.

  
  


Church was gone, and Tucker was ok with that.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
